Tuesday, March 7, 2000

Whew!  I had the worst illusion last night.  It seemed to go on forever and ever.  You wouldn’t believe how much I tossed and turned. 

Man, what a dream.  It was a sports fanatic’s nightmare!

What?  What’s that you say?  It’s all true?  It all happened? 

You’re saying that Eugene Robinson of the Atlanta Falcons, who was set to give a speech after receiving an award for being an all around good guy, WAS arrested for solicitation of a prostitute the NIGHT BEFORE the Super Bowl XXXIII?   I dreamt the Oilers threw another backwards pass to win this year’s Super Bowl…that didn’t happen too, did it?  No?  Good! 

You’re SERIOUS about Leon Lett coming back from his suspension after only four games?  I thought Paul Tagliabue had a serious drug policy!?

You’re NOT kidding?  Peter Warrick of Florida State played in College Football’s National Championship Game AND was named the MVP?  What happened to his cohort in crime, Lavernanues Coles?  Dismissed from the team, huh? 

Florida State’s Sebastian Janikowski was arrested for BRIBERY?  Ja’mar Toombs from Texas A&M was arrested for drunk driving?  Aren’t they both potential NFL stars?  What’s up with that?

Jumbo Elliot and Jason Fabini of the Jets were involved in an altercation outside a bar?  WHY? Why would two guys with a combined weight of almost 600 pounds feel intimidated enough by anyone without a weapon that they would feel it necessary to assault someone?

Mateen Cleaves of Michigan State was arrested on suspicion of LARCENY?  Of WHAT?  A 40 oz bottle of BEER?  Guess there were no frat parties that night.  Oh, he was cleared?  Whew…one for the good guys.  I guess?

You’re SERIOUS about Leon Lett coming back from his suspension after only four games?  I thought Paul Tagliabue had a serious drug policy!

Bobby Phils and Derrick Thomas were both KILLED in car accidents?  Were there extenuating circumstances?  One wasn’t wearing a seat belt and both were using excessive speed?  Tragedy.

Kevin Stevens from the Rangers was arrested for COCAINE possession?  I thought hockey was basically immune. 

You’re telling me that Rae Carruth was REALLY found in the trunk of a car fleeing North Carolina jurisdiction?  You’re actually informing me he PLANNED the murder of his girlfriend?

What?  Ray Lewis was actually arrested for involvement in a STABBING in Atlanta?  Did he do it?  Nobody thinks so, huh? 

Leon Smith of the Mavs?  Isn’t that the guy who refused to run wind sprints after practice?  Is this the high schooler that jumped to the NBA against the advice of everyone with any sense at all?  The charges were aggravated assault and violation of a protective order to keep him away from his girlfriend?  Who is monitoring this youngster?

Jamaal Crawford of Michigan served a six game suspension for violations while in HIGH SCHOOL?  And THEN the NCAA plunked down eight more games?  Did the recruiters even think to look?

Chris Porter took money from an agent to make sure his mother wasn’t evicted from her home?  Auburn suspended him?  He’ll never play again collegiately? 

Michigan State football recruit Eric Knott was charged with rape?  Where the heck was Nick Saban?  Oh, Louisiana State…good riddance, Nick.

Fred Lane of the Carolina Panthers was charged with having drugs AND weapons in his car?  Where was he going, Columbia?

Notah Begay was arrested for drunken driving?  Oh, he admits it.  What’d he get, a year’s probation and a month in jail?  SEVEN DAYS?  And he gets what?  Eight hours work furlough each day?  His short game should be honed by the time he gets out.

John Daly is at it again, huh?  He’s decided drinking and gambling make him happy?  Is that what he said?  He’s done.

Miami Dolphin’s running back Cecil Collins STALKED his married neighbor?  He was caught doing what?  Climbing in through her window as she and her husband settled down for a long winter’s nap?  What an absolute moron.

John Rocker said WHAT?  What an idiot!  And he was suspended by the Braves, right?  No?  Bud Selig stepped in?  Way to go Bud!  What did Jesse Jackson have to say about Rocker?  Nothing?  Oh, that’s right, he called New York Heime Town once didn’t he. 

Marty McSorley of the Bruins used his STICK to attack another player?  He’s gone for life, right?  No?  Twenty-three games?  Hmm.

You mean to tell me that Daryl Strawberry, after failing his fifth mandatory drug test, was suspended for only one year?  So I guess I can assume that Pete Rose has been reinstated for HIS second chance, right?  No?  What happened to Bud Selig’s “influence on society theory?”  Selig, you ought to be ashamed.

So, you’re telling me that baseball, football, basketball, hockey, and golf have all suffered the embarrassment I dreamt?  That it stems from high school to college to pro?

Anything else?  What about tennis and soccer?  Bowling?  Badminton?  Track and field?  How about the Olympics? 

Say again?  You don’t have time to list them all?  There’s more?  Much more?

What’s that?  One more thing?

EXCUSE ME?  PAVEL BURE OF THE FLORIDA PANTHERS PROPOSED TO TENNIS BABE ANNA KOURNIKOVA?  AND SHE ACCEPTED? 

I’m going back to sleep!

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